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Our experts
Dr Kristyn Sommer , child development expert and former lecturer in developmental psychologyProfessor Mark Dadds , director of Sydney University’s Child Behaviour Research ClinicDr Rachael Sharman , lecturer and researcher in child and adolescent psychology at The University of the Sunshine Coast
A ‘classic’ distraction technique
As Kristyn Sommer explains, the viral videos are a seemingly simple and easy solution.
“It’s got kids in it, it’s got bad behaviour, it’s relatable,” says the child development expert and mother-of-two.
But before you start calling out “Jessica” midway through your child’s next tantrum, she recommends considering what’s happening for your child in that moment.
“Take the perspective of the child in their little body, the knowledge they have, and consider how that action is received by the child,” Dr Sommer says.
“If someone is calling out quite loudly, it could be quite startling, overwhelming or stressful.”
Psychologist Rachael Sharman says, “it’s a classic distraction technique that parents have been using for years”.
But she recommends firstly checking there isn’t a physiological reason for the child’s behaviour.
“It could just be as simple as the child is really, really tired, really hungry, really thirsty, can’t communicate that and doesn’t understand why you’re not meeting their needs,” Sharman says.
“Or it could just be that they’re sort of emotionally overwhelmed.”
Mark Dadds, from Sydney University’s Child Behaviour Research Clinic, says distraction techniques are often not an effective long-term strategy when dealing with repeated tantrums.
“That might distract them once and then they’re going to figure it out really quickly,” Dadds says.
“And they’re likely to even just escalate further next time because they don’t like that.
“It hasn’t taught the child that there’s better ways to get their needs satisfied.”
How to avoid ‘escalating’ the situation
During a tantrum, our experts recommend the parent or caregiver first maintain a sense of calm.
But Sommer acknowledges, this can be easier said than done.
“As much as I can be an expert, I’m also a human, I’m also autistic,” she says.
“I don’t catch myself half the time before I’ve snapped at my kids.
“In those moments, I have to try to find a way to calm myself before I calm them.”
She recommends walking away or taking a break if you’re feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated and just “letting the child be”.
Dadds says “we all get tired and we get frustrated, but getting really emotional just leads to more escalation”.
“The whole family is in a cycle then, so the thing is to stay as calm as you possibly can and use a firm, loving voice,” he says.
What is the best way to stop a tantrum?
Sommer says it depends on the environment and your capacity at the time.
“The best practice is to be with the child, sit there and wait for them, respect their boundaries if they don’t want to be touched,” she says.
“Don’t try to correct or coerce or intervene when they’re in the peak of their tantrum.
“When the child is crying, screaming, flailing, throwing themselves on the ground, they will not hear you, and they will not onboard that information, reason with it, or learn from it.”
She recommends only intervening if the child is at risk of hurting themselves or others.
For children from toddler age to 8 years old, Dadds recommends the following methods.
Redirect calmly and firmly:
“You want to say, ‘I don’t want to hear that, I want you to go and find something to do or I want you to pick up this’,” he says.
“Not a lot of talk, no emotion, just ‘don’t do that’.”
He says if the child complies or cooperates, wait a few minutes before offering praise or reward.
“You just want to very calmly move away, then just ignore it, go on with your own duty,” Dadds says.
“And wait for them to be doing something positive.”
Time out or regulation space:
If the tantrum escalates and the child’s emotional state is dysregulated, he recommends trying a time out chair or safe space for regulation.
But Dadds says these need to be implemented and role-played in advance, not done in the heat of the moment.
“So, the child is empowered; they understand exactly what’s going to happen,” he says.
“They understand that as soon as they’re calm and their breathing is back to normal, then they’re back out in the family again.”
Sharman says in her opinion, there is no “one size fits all” because most children respond differently during a tantrum.
“Lots of psychologists are for co-regulation models, some people are a bit more about tough love, some people are more about communication,” she says.
Mark Dadds from the University of Sydney Child Behaviour Research Clinic.
ABC News/Alison Branley
How to deal with tantrums when out and about
Dadds recommends setting expectations with your child before you venture out and rewarding positive behaviour first.
“The child then understands what’s going to happen in a particular situation, what the rules are, what the rewards are and what will happen if there is a tantrum.
“That might be time out when you get home, loss of screen time, or removal from the situation.”
Sommer says it is up to parents to decide whether to remove a child having a tantrum from a public setting.
“Kids are allowed to have feelings, and they’re allowed to have feelings in the middle of shopping centres,” she says.
“My children have and I don’t feel shame for it because it is normal human behaviour.”
What to do when nothing seems to work
Experts say if your child’s tantrums are consistently violent, destructive and last for long periods, it might be time to seek help.
“If those things feel normal, that is an indicator that perhaps a conversation with a GP is the first thing to do,” Sommer says.
“You can say, ‘I feel like I’m having a hard time with parenting this child’.”
Sommer says it may be helpful to keep a record or notes about the tantrums and how big they are.
Dadds says for some children, what looks like a tantrum could be a reaction to something bigger.
“That could range from something they’re very scared of, through to kids with autism because sounds are upsetting them,” he says.
“So tantrum techniques are really behavioural strategies for when it’s inappropriate behaviour rather than the child can’t possibly control something that’s freaking them out.”
