Tiredness can be a factor
One grandmother in her early 70s, who didn’t want to be named, estimates she cares for grandchildren, aged between three and seven for up to 30 hours a week. The youngest has just started childcare three days a week. She looks after her on the other two days. She also looks after the older children after school.
“My daughter is a solo mum. She has a job that requires long hours. I love helping out and the relationship I have with my grandchildren. But, by Fridays, I’m exhausted.”
Zoe Tipa (Kai Tahu and Kahungunu ) the chief nurse at Whānau Āwhina Plunket knows how that feels.
Tipa is also the “Taua ” (a South Island dialect for grandmother) of a four-year-old grandson, the child of her partner’s daughter. He stays with the couple every second weekend.
Zoe Tipa says grandparents add a richness to whānau life.
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Tipa says he is the centre of their world when they have him. “Sometimes, when you’re working fulltime, you think, “Have I got more space for this. But then he says, ‘I love you Taua’, I think, this is what it’s all about.”
In her work, Tipa sees a lot of grandmothers helping to care for their mokopuna . “They offer an incredible richness to the life of whanau . There is a practical benefit for parents, but their involvement gives grandchildren a sense of identity and belonging as well as their connection to their whakapapa or genealogy. “
However, she says there are sometimes generational differences that need to be worked through.
“Family members can be very influential and have a lot of mana in the whanau . There may be differences on how to raise the children. Like any relationship, it takes compromise, negotiation and communication, remembering what is important – the little one.”
Working grandparents
While many grandparents are retired, others juggle childcare with jobs.
Lee Scanlon co-owns and is chief reporter of the Westport News. Lee officially works four days, but mostly more and sometimes at weekends. (“News never sleeps.”)
She and her husband Kevin, 72, have four grandchildren aged between 16 and three. The older ones lives in Wellington but the two youngest, Leo, 3, and Billy, 6, live three minutes’ drive away. “That’s the good thing about Westport. Everyone’s so close.”
Kevin and Lee Scanlon fit grandparenting around their work.
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She has each of the boys one day a week from 3pm when she finishes work. Billy also spends every Saturday afternoon with them. “Leo has yet to work out that Billy has two Nana and Grandad days!” The couple also babysits regularly.
Kevin also works. Scanlon says, “I like that the grandchildren know Nana and Grandad have other things in their lives.”
She also knows the benefits of having time with grandparents.
“I was brought up by my grandparents. My parents owned a pub and it was felt inappropriate to bring up their daughter there. So I lived close by with my mother’s parents. They had time to spend with me. I was very lucky.”
Making the relationship work
Given the increasing number of grandparents taking up childcare roles, and the benefits to an economy of two working parents, the question arises: should they be paid?
Sweden last year passed a law allowing parents to reallocate some of their paid parental leave to grandparents during their child’s first year to give families more flexibility.
You’re the Judge: Give us your reckons! Afternoons
A grandmother I spoke to said a little financial help could help with costs like outings. Others said money would alter the dynamics negatively. “I get my rewards with sticky kisses,” said one.
While grandparents’ role in childcare is mostly appreciated by parents and enjoyed by grandparents, issues can arise. Jill Goldson, director of The Family Matters Centre in Auckland has some advice for families to maintain relationships that are beneficial to all parties.
Jill Goldson, mediator, director of The Family Matters Centre
Ray Anderson
It begins with good communication and honesty.
“If you feel a tickling of resentment, be open and upfront in discussing it and keep the conversations going so issues don’t escalate. Preface any comments with an acknowledgement of how valuable the relationship is and how much the other person is appreciated.”
When differences arise around parenting styles, diet, treats or screen time she encourages grandparents and parents to listen and respect each other’s views without judgement.
“If grandparents criticise a parenting style, that can make the parent feel like a child again. That may provoke resentment. Likewise, grandparents may feel resentment if their views are dismissed. They may say, ‘you never listened as a child’.”
She says there will always be differences in the relationships between children and grandparents and children and their parents.
“One is about relational wisdom and the other is about primary childcare. The key is to acknowledge those differences.”
Her mantra is to “assess not assume” in every situation. “Have regular check-ins. Say, ‘I know little kids are hard work. Is this still OK’? Likewise, grandparents should be honest about expenses for afterschool snacks, petrol etc.”
If things begin to break down in a serious way, professional help may be needed. “Too many situations where resentment and misunderstandings occur can damage relationships. Children will bear the brunt of that”
You’re the Judge: Give us your reckons! Afternoons
