. I have to do those things for myself that she didn’t do for me.’ And that’s really the hard part, I think.”
While the mother wound is not a diagnosable condition, it is often the result of unmet needs, says Sydney-based psychologist Sahra O’Doherty.
“It can be things like the mother or the parent figure dismissing and diminishing the experiences of the child or focusing on their own experiences or their own expectations,” she explains.
So, what’s the state of your mother wound, and how do you begin to heal it?
Here’s what listeners to the ABC radio show Life Matters shared about theirs.
Filling in the gaps
After losing her mum at the age of 13, Maryanne says family friends stepped up.
“I only had a childhood relationship with her, but … that mother-daughter wound got filled in through attending different functions as I grew up,” she says.
“I found that my mother’s friends would approach me and seek me out at those functions and then share with me insights about my mother. So that gave me way more information about who she was and the type of person that she was, because I didn’t get to experience that as I grew up and became an adult.”
Mothering each other
Anne has identified mother wounds across three generations of her family.
After her sister died in childhood, Anne says their grief-stricken parents withdrew.
“My mother carried this terrible wound that she didn’t ask for,” Anne says.
“In those days, there was no emotional language for hacking stuff like that. There was no therapy … I spent the rest of my life as a parentified child with Mum, trying to make Mum’s world good again and trying to win their – both of their – acknowledgement that I was worth something.
“I was carrying that wound right through until she died and we never unpacked it.”
Conversations with someone who isn’t used to taking accountability can be incredibly difficult, says psychologist Sahra O’Doherty.
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Unable to achieve closure with her mum, Anne turned to her much younger sister for healing.
“I said to her, let’s mother each other now, let’s unpack everything, because she had the same sense of abandonment.”
Estrangement usually begins after a significant traumatic experience with a loved one, experts say.
When it comes to her relationship with her adult daughter, Anne says: “I’m constantly working on her mother wound with me.”
“I think it’s just a very long journey where you spend time trying to be another kind of mother, and healing from your own mother wound – doing the things that your mother didn’t give to you.”
‘Hell on wheels’
Suze was 54 when her mother reappeared in her life after nearly 40 years of absence.
“My mother was an actress and … she was really mythical in our family for the drama and all the rest of it. But what was less mythical was the amount of neglect we’d all been through,” she says.
“She was nearly 75, and I hadn’t lived with her since she went away to get on with her life, when I was 15 or 16.
“The situation was she had to live with me for nearly a year. And it was hell on wheels to start.”
She says patience and boundaries were key to creating a new relationship with her estranged mother in adulthood.
“The main thing for me was seeing my mother as just another human being. Another human being with all kinds of losses and grief and problems of her own.”
“I can’t say that it was easy, but it was transformational and it remains one of the things that I’m most proud of in my life.”
Curiosity, empathy and forgiveness
Suze’s story is “a perfect illustration” of the work that needs to happen to achieve healing, Krupka says.
“When you’re a child, it’s not your job to be curious about your mother’s life, but if you want to heal that wound, you have to be curious about it, and she was.
“So, she set those boundaries, she had that curiosity, and that … much deeper understanding of who her mother was.”
Forgiveness is about finding peace for ourselves, says psychologist Sahra O’Doherty.
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For many adult daughters, starting these conversations with their mothers is difficult because of pre-existing dynamics and the fear of being dismissed or diminished when bringing things up, O’Doherty acknowledges.
“It’s incredibly difficult to ask for accountability from someone who isn’t used to giving it, because it means admitting that ‘hey, I wasn’t perfect, but I did the best that I could’.”
She agrees that patience, empathy and a willingness to listen are key.
But if a conversation isn’t possible, there are other paths towards repair.
Something she’s observed in her practice is “millennial and Gen X women … parenting their children in ways that are healing for themselves. So, they have learnt the lessons of how they were parented, and they are choosing to parent in a very different way”.
“Forgiveness isn’t about the other person. Forgiveness is about finding peace for ourselves.”
