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Most parents would feel guilty about admitting they had a favourite. So, researchers instead posed indirect questions about how affection, discipline, time and resources are distributed among children, and examined how factors like birth order, gender and temperament influence those decisions.
A meta‑analysis published in Psychological Bulletin – drawing on data from more than 19,000 people across 30 studies in the US, Canada and Western Europe between 2015 and 2022, as well as 14 unpublished datasets – found that daughters were more favoured by both mothers and fathers. (One of Suitor’s papers also found that daughters were preferred by mothers for emotional and instrumental support.)
A meta-analysis study shows daughters tend to be favoured. (file image)
Unsplash / Brooke Cagle
Perhaps a no-brainer that children who were agreeable and responsible appeared to receive more preferential treatment too, according to the meta-analysis study’s co‑author and Brigham Young University (BYU) researcher Alex Jensen.
While the youngest generally receives slightly more favourable treatment, older siblings were less controlled and given more autonomy, the researchers found. In Suitor’s study, the youngest was most likely to be named by mothers as emotionally close, while the eldest was most likely to be the person they turned to in times of crises.
(The BYU researchers acknowledge their “effect sizes” were small, and that the reasons parents treat one child differently from another are probably more complex than the factors examined.)
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As for the middle child, they were under‑represented in mothers’ choices, even though “the number of middle‑born children far exceeded that of firstborn and last‑born children in the sample”, Suitor and her co-authors say .
“Although being a middle child may reduce interpersonal resources, it also may reduce the constraints placed on adult children by their mothers,” they noted.
Influencing factors in adulthood included whether children’s values aligned with their parents’ – such as religious beliefs or political affiliations – as well as proximity, and the provision of emotional and financial support.
What’s the impact?
Laurie Kramer, who studies sibling relationships at Northeastern University, told RNZ’s Afternoons that preferential treatment can lead to long‑term mental‑health effects and extend into resentment in adulthood.
Dr Laurie Kramer.
Dr Laurie Kramer
Her study found more than half the time there was disagreement over who was getting preferred treatment and fairness.
“They are seeing how they are being treated relative to how their parents and other adults treat them versus their siblings, and I think that has a profound impact on young kids, and it’s something they do seem to carry with them throughout life.
“It also affects the way they feel about themselves, how they feel about their siblings, and how they feel about their parents.”
Favouritism can affect children’s mental health and last into adulthood, Dr Laurie Kramer says. (File image)
Unsplash / Getty Images
One woman from Suitor’s research said she still thought about her mother’s deathbed confession – 15 years later – that she always loved her sister more, The New York Times reported
The BYU researchers also suggest that favoured children tend to have better grades, more ability to regulate their emotions, and healthier relationships.
However, Kramer notes that some favoured children realise what’s happening and may feel guilty, which can affect their relationships with their siblings and parents.
How do you overcome bias?
Kramer says parents rarely talk to their children about “fair treatment” and what that looks like to them, which means there’s no chance to correct faulty understandings.
Child favouritism can last into adulthood, studies show. (file image)
Unsplash / A.C.
“I also think as we get older, we have more capabilities of understanding this distinction between what’s equal and what’s equitable.
“We need to feel whole, understood and respected by our families.”
As for the possible changes in values as we grow older, Suitor recommends sticking to what you have in common to avoid conflict and warns against adult children distancing themselves..
“Some people feel like they’re going to grow up and be a real adult by separating ties with their parents and only seeing them when they have to,” Suitor told Purdue University’s student newspape r. “But actually, those adults are less well off psychologically as well as financially.”
Dr Laurie Kramer.
Dr Laurie Kramer
